‘Twas the night before Christmas, I musta’ been totally soused. I thought I saw reindeer pullin’ a fat man on a sleigh, land on top of our house. They left skid marks as they slid to a stop in the snow, then the fat man belted out a hearty “HO HO HO!”

The reindeer had no wings, yet they flew through the air. For me to get that drunk is actually quite rare. I asked what he wanted, he replied “to spread joy and glee.” I told him he just looked like trouble to me!

The fella said his...